Pride of the Daleks
by Sergeant Insomniac
Summary: This is strictly AU. A comedy about the lives of two Daleks struggling to live on an alien planet called Earth. Will be primarily about the aliens & monsters of Doctor Who.
1. Chapter 1: Melancholy of the Daleks

Melancholy of the Daleks

So, welcome to the Pride of the Daleks. This is the first part, the prologue. For a brief introduction, it's about two Daleks living on an Earth conquered and colonized by tons of aliens. One's named Dalek Chri. The other's called Dalek Pipe. Also, there's going to be some more aliens coming in upcoming chapters. Sadly, some of the old series monsters might not come; I haven't watched enough of the old series to properly write for guys like the Axons or the Silurians. Also, taking too many monsters from the old series would just make this fanfic too continuity-heavy, something that I didn't plan to do, but it seems inevitable. Hope you guys enjoy. Also, I don't hate Torchwood. So, praise/criticism would be helpful.

3/23/08 EDIT: Okay, I modified the prologue. To make it a little longer and to explain what the hell is going on.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

Prologue-REVISED!

_We bring you to a once lonely planet known as Earth… In the future, Earth was finally conquered by a race of cyborgs known as the Cybermen…_

_All of the humans were taken and converted…_

_However, the strength of the Cybermen faded away…_

_Eventually, other alien races came and colonized the planet…_

_Even the creatures known as the Daleks, a legion of mutants in mechanical casings that yearned to kill and destroy every other race…_

_They preferred to call it 'extermination'…_

_However, the Daleks' desire to exterminate was greatly diminished by a strange man in a blue box and his faithful companion…_

_His whereabouts are unknown as of now…_

_But, this story is not about him…_

_Eventually, a few of the Daleks abandoned their quest for universal domination and decided to settle on Earth…_

_And so, the story begins…_

"GOD, THESE NARRATORS LIKE BEING SO F—KING DRAMATIC," yelled Dalek Chri.

"HONESTLY, WHO HIRED THESE BASTARDS?"

"CAN WE JUST GO ON WITH THE STORY?" said Dalek Pipe. "PLEASE, IT HURTS TO USE CAPITALS ALL THE TIME."

"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? WE ARE THE SUPERIOR BEINGS. WE CANNOT HELP BUT TALK LIKE THIS. IT SHOWS OUR SUPERIORITY OVER ALL BEINGS."

"Dalek Chri, stop trying to act all 'superior'. You sound stupid when doing that. There, I have decided to stop using capitals."

"BUT I SHALL!"

Why don't I stop you from doing that? And so, the narrator made it so the Daleks couldn't talk in capital letters unless it was necessary.

"Thanks," said Dalek Pipe.

"But, I liked talking with capitals," said Dalek Chri as he rolled back and forth.

"Oh, just get on with the story."

Very well then, I probably shouldn't talk to you guys anyway. It messes with the fourth wall.

"Great."

"Oh, fine. I shall just hover over to the nearest corner and sulk."

"You know, the world does not revolve around you. Every being has problems."

"But, I am a Dalek! I want to talk more and waste space for the prologue."

"You are wasting space already."

"Then, let us waste some more! Hmm, how do we do that?"

"We can probably continue with the actual plot."

"This story had a plot? This is a Doctor Who fan fiction without the Doctor! How do we have a plot if the main characters are gone?"

"It worked for Torchwood. It can work for us."

Dalek Chri made his own 'solution' and said, "Then Dalek Pipe, we must kiss and solve outlandish sci-fi mysteries. We must also stand on high rooftops for no apparent reason."

"Torchwood is not purely about that."

"Then, what is it about?"

"Uh, it has Captain Jack and his crew solving mysteries. They also have a giant pterodactyl. Oh, and one of their characters died and came back to life."

"That show is just Power Rangers, but with sex and everyone wears black instead of rainbow colors."

"Torchwood is nothing like Power Rangers," argued an annoyed Dalek Pipe.

"Yes it is. It also has that David Boreanaz wannabe John Barrowman."

Suddenly, Dalek Pipe's voice became angry and low. He yelled, "THOSE WORDS ARE BLASPHEMY! STOP SAYING BAD THINGS ABOUT TORCHWOOD!"

"Torchwood is blasphemy. It has stained the sanctity that is Doctor Who! Sarah Jane Adventures is better."

"No it is not. Torchwood is better. The Sarah Jane Adventures is clichéd children's programming."

Dalek Chri argued, "The Sarah Jane Adventures is excellent children's programming. Torchwood is horrible adult programming. Why can you not understand?"

"TORCHWOOD IS BETTER! Wait, this is getting ridiculous. Let us just end this prologue. Also, we must stop referencing the fact Doctor Who and its spin-offs as fiction, or else reality will destroy itself. Also, I think the narrator's not doing that much work."

"Agreed."

Okay, now

_My name is Dalek Chri. I come from the planet Skaro. My friend Dalek Pipe and I were deported due to not living up to Dalek standards. One day, we crashed on Earth. And now, we must face the bulls—t that waits. May it be disgruntled Time Lords, flamboyant Cat People, or crazed, retro Daleks, we shall stop them._

DUN DUN DUN!

_Where is the opening? Why do I not get an opening? I DEMAND AN OPENING! Wait, this is fan fiction._

PRIDE OF THE DALEKS!

_Fart Tee-hee!_

_Damn it, there is a Slitheen cameo in this chapter! Argh, the smell is awful!_


	2. Chapter 2: Days of the Daleks

Days of the Daleks

So, let's get you up to date on what's going on. Dalek Chri and Dalek Pipe have just rented an apartment in New New New Brooklyn. And… Uh, that's about it.

"So, who are our neighbors?" asked Dalek Chri. "Is one of them a Mechanoid? Or a Movellan?"

"I do not think so," answered Dalek Pipe.

"Thank God."

"We have a Slitheen for a neighbor."

"Damn it."

"What is wrong? I like the Slitheen."

"They smell like excrement. It is horrible. Every other minute, they fart out loud. They walk around naked with bulgy, green stomachs. And they are from some gay planet called Raxacoricofallapatorius. I remember my dad telling me a story when he and some other Daleks went to that planet and killed some of those things."

(Flashback)

It was a few decades ago. Those green, smelly creatures were running in terror as Daleks hovered toward them and fired their death rays.

"HOLY ST!" yelled a Raxacoricofallapatorian. Then, he farted.

"EXTERMINATE! ANNIHILATE! DESTROY!" yelled Dalek Chri's dad as he killed the Raxacoricofallapatorians. "EXTERMINATE! ANNIHILATE! DESTROY!

"Can we just leave?" asked Dalek Gann. "Dalek Sec told us to go back to Skaro for more missions."

"FK DALEK SEC! EXTERMINATORS FOR LIFE!"

"Is he on drugs?" asked Dalek Coy. "Well, is he?"

"Yes, he is," replied Dalek Gann. "Damn it. This is going to be a ton of paperwork."

"Yeah, and I do not know how to write on paper with this damn plunger. It is going to suck."

"YAH!" yelled Dalek Chri's dad. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE THE FARTING GREEN ASSMASTERS! EXTERMINATE!"

(End Flashback)

"Your dad sounds like a idiot," said Dalek Pipe.

"Yeah, he was," replied Dalek Chri as he lowered his eyestalk in shame.

Suddenly, someone was knocking their door.

"Oh, God! It is the Slitheen! We must get out of here."

"Just relax. The Slitheen are not that bad."

Then, Dalek Pipe went and opened the door with his plunger arm. A Cat Person was outside.

"Dalek Chri. It is just the landlord."

"What species is he?"

"He is a Cat Person."

"Oh, that race is gay."

"They are not gay. They are just flamboyant."

"Hellooooo," said the Cat Person. "I'm Ted 'The Head' Geisel. I own your place. And nice bumps, where did you get them?"

"From, uh, Skaro."

"Skaro? Yeah, Skaro's all right. So, how do you like the place?"

"We could use a table."

"Well, you're going to have buy your own furniture. Ciao!"

Ted left and hummed something as he closed the door.

"Okay, I think he might be gay."

"You think?" asked Dalek Chri. "Now, we have to find out what our neighbors are like. Go outside. Knock everyone's door."

"Do I have to?"

"Of course you have to. I need to buy a TV so I can watch Friends."

"Ugh."

Then, Dalek Pipe went off and knocked everyone's door. He went toward the first one and knocked it with his inactive death ray. It opened.

"Wwwhhhaaattt iiisss iiittt?" asked the first neighbor with his constant gurgling. He resembled a fish-like creature. Orange slime oozed out of what appeared to be it beak. Inside his home was another fish-like creature. It looked rather annoyed and impatient.

"EWW! NAKED SEA DEVIL! Uh, nothing is going on. I was just checking."

"Youuu llliiitttllleee bbbaaassstttaaarrddd."

Dalek Pipe closed the door and hovered toward the next one.

"Hello?"

The door was opened to reveal a mannequin. It waved its hand to show what looked like a greeting. Also, he had a piece of paper on his chest that read, "Dave".

"Yes, hello Dave. I shall leave."

Dalek Pipe drifted toward the next door. It was already open for some reason.

"Hello?"

"ZHAWWWKALOKKAH!" yelled the creature inside. It resembled a giant slug that was on the ceiling. Its large mouth was chewing on something that resembled meat. There was ice everywhere around its dwelling.

"Oh, st. I should leave."

Dalek Pipe quickly drifted toward the next door and knocked it.

"Oh, god. This will take forever."

Elsewhere, Dalek Chri went to Circuit City in search for a new TV. The store was filled with Cybermen of all variations. There were the old chrome Cybermen that had giant machines on their chests. There were the tin Cybermen and lead Cybermen that had cords attached to most of their bodies. They also had helmets, which seemed to resemble upside-down teacups. Then, there were the silver Cybermen with their Darth Vader voices and their armor that suspiciously looked plastic.

"Greeting, customer," said one of the Cybermen. "Do you desire a pamphlet that shows what items we sell?"

Dalek Chri didn't answer and strolled on. But then, he heard a couple of Cybermen talking about something strange. He hovered toward them.

"Did you hear about that explosion in New New New New New New York?" said a Cyberman.

"Yes," said one of the other Cybermen. "We are hearing that a Time Lady known as 'The Nameless' caused it. Who is the Nameless?"

"The Nameless was rumored to be a Time Lady that had an obsession for bulky men. She took random individuals across time and space and mutated them into hairless ogres. The Chancellors of Gallifrey exiled her for this."

"Why is she called the Nameless?"

"The Academy apparently did not give her a title."

"So, this Nameless one is becoming a threat?" asked Dalek Chri.

The Cyberman answered, "Yes, she is responsible for the kidnapping of several individuals."

Dalek Chri left and hovered toward the cashier. He pondered about this "Nameless" and decided to just ignore it. The mass hordes of Cybermen disturbed the young Dalek. But, this did not stop him in his quest to find a new TV. He came toward the cashier and asked him for the price of what he desired.

"Greetings, master," said the cashier, "What do you desire, young master?

"Hey," said Dalek Chri. "Do you have a 40" television?"

"Affirmative. We have one that shall go as high as $1799. I shall demand nothing less, master."

"Damn. Then, what is the cheapest television here?"

"There is one that costs $750," answered the cashier.

Dalek Chri groaned and replied, "Okay, then can I give you a check?"

"Affirmative, but I do not see anything resembling a checkbook on your body. Please come back later when you have acquired a sufficient amount of money."

"You know what? EXTERMINATE!"

Dalek Chri's long-dormant death ray suddenly became active and blasted the cashier to smithereens. All of the creatures in Circuit City fled in terror as Dalek Chri hovered toward his precious TV and tried to steal it. However, his plunger didn't have enough strength to pull it.

"Damn it! I shall just acquire a smaller television."

Dalek Chri hovered toward a smaller TV and successfully took it. He blasted the ceiling of the building and took off.


	3. Chapter 3: Disharmony of the Daleks

Yeah, sorry if my story seemed to be nothing but repetitive dialogue, but I'll try to put some more narration in. So, here's chapter 3 of Pride of the Daleks.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

Disharmony of the Daleks

Dalek Chri was quickly flying back home with his plunger holding the TV that he stole the last time we saw him. He hurried due to the fact that he was suspected that someone was chasing him. He turned his eyestalk and looked down on the ground. And, Dalek Chri was right. It was the Judoon, a police squad with the bodies of men and heads of rhinos. They were chasing at him.

"Bo Sco Fo Do No Kro Blo Ko Sho Ro!" said their captain as they were chasing the Dalek. He tried to aim his laser at the poor thing, but he kept missing.

"Damn it! I cannot go to jail! I cannot go to jail!" yelled Dalek Chri as he flew for his life. Tragically, a fly hit his eyestalk.

"My vision is impaired! I cannot see! Oh, god! No!"

"Shoot to kill," said the Judoon captain to his deputies. "We can't let that little robotic bastard get away for blowing up a K-9 unit!"

"He also stole a TV and destroyed almost half of a store," said one of his deputies.

"Yeah, that too. But, who would destroy a K-9 unit?"

"I don't know. Daleks?"

"I wasn't looking for an answer."

"I thought you were looking for one."

"Well, I don't want one, so there. Wait a minute. Damn it! We let him go!"

Just as the Judoon Captain said, Dalek Chri was out of their sight. He flew and crashed into the balcony of his apartment and met Dalek Pipe.

"You know we will have to buy a new window?" said Dalek Pipe. "By the way, I brought a guest."

"There is no time for that. Look what I brought. It is a television. Wait, what the hell is that?" asked Dalek Chri as he pointed his death ray at Dalek Pipe's portly visitor.

"Dalek Chri, may I introduce you to one of our neighbors?"

"Hello," said the neighbor. "I am Jeffers Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen." He immediately farted after that

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Dalek Chri.

"Oh, you're dirty. Let me clean that up." Jeffers took a napkin and wiped Dalek Chri's eyestalk.

"WHY IS HE HERE?!? WHY IS HE HERE?!?"

"I'm just here. That's all," replied Jeffers as he farted again. "And where's the food? I'm hungry. Oh, turn on the TV! Family Guy's on!"

"Yes, Dalek Chri," said Dalek Pipe. "Plug in the TV. The episode where Peter acts like a woman is on."

"I cannot do it alone," replied Dalek Chri. "Get Barney the green, googly-eyed dinosaur to do it."

"Sorry, Jeffers."

"I'd be glad to," said the Slitheen who farted again.

"Dalek Chri, what are you doing? You cannot harm our reputation!"

"Making a Slitheen our slave does not harm our reputation," replied Dalek Chri.

"I do not have any intention of making Jeffers a slave."

"See, you are harming our reputation as Daleks!"

"WWWHHHOOOOOAAAA!" yelled something blue and gaseous floating through their apartment. "Pity the Gelth. Help us. We're dying. You have to help us. Release us. We are so few. WWWHHHOOOOOAAAA!" Then, the blue ghoul flew into the Daleks' kitchen.

"What the hell was that?" asked Dalek Chri. "The flamboyant landlord never told us that there would be ghosts or anything like that in this place. He shall be punished for not telling about that annoying cockney-accent blue ghost thingy!"

"Okay, TV's plugged in," said Jeffers. "Oh, look. Lois and that feminism teacher are fighting. Ha." Then, he farted again much to the annoyance of Dalek Chri.

"Can we just get to the point?" asked an annoyed Dalek Pipe.

"I HATE THIS PLACE!!!" yelled Dalek Chri. "HONESTLY, WHY ARE WE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?"

"Do you not remember when we first came here?"

(Cue Flashback)

A year ago, Dalek Chri and Dalek Pipe were in their ship with their mates Dalek Ston and Dalek Bile. They were on the run after they lost contact with the Cult of Skaro and the rest of the Dalek Empire for some strange reason. This happened to Dalek squads all across the galaxy, and as a result, a reason for why some needed to find a home.

"Fantastic," said Dalek Ston. "We have found a planet in order to establish dominance over other species."

"Yes," said Dalek Chri. "We shall be victorious!"

"Wait," said Dalek Pipe. "That is Earth. The Daleks have been to Earth a ton of times and failed to control it."

"Why?" asked Dalek Ston.

"Something about a doctor. I do not know, I cannot remember it clearly."

"Is it THE Doctor?" asked Dalek Bile. "Because we must EXTERMINATE him!"

"I do not think that it is the Doctor. It might just be another annoying guy who calls himself the Doctor. There are tons of people who call themselves the Doctor."

Dalek Chri interrupted, "But it has to be the Doctor. It cannot be a coincidence."

"Fine," replied Dalek Ston. "Let's just g—"

Out of nowhere a giant meteor-like object rammed the Daleks' ship, making it head for Earth. Dalek Bile started going mad and blasted the walls in a futile attempt to destroy the object.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled Dalek Chri. "HOLY S—T! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?"

"A SHIP HAS HIT US!!!" replied Dalek Pipe. "A SHIP HAS HIT US!!!"

"OH GOD!!!" yelled Dalek Ston. "WELL, THIS IS JUST F—KING FANTAST—"

Just before Dalek Ston could finish his sentence, their ship hit Earth. Smoke and fire was everywhere. Dalek Bile's naked, mutated body was crawling around the debris. Dalek Ston was impaled by a streetlight. His was angrily groaning. And then, the groans started getting softer and softer until they were gone. Dalek Pipe fell on his back and he couldn't get up. But, Dalek Chri was still active. The unharmed Dalek went to Dalek Ston's body.

"Dalek Ston?" asked Dalek Chri. "Are you alive? If you are alive, wiggle your plunger."

Dalek Ston didn't move at all.

"So, I guess that you are dead."

He floated toward Dalek Bile and laughed at his misfortune of being stripped of his casing. Then the unlucky Dalek tried to crawl toward the nearest pond.

"Ha! You little bastard! You cannot exterminate anything now! You cannot even talk! Ha! Ha! Ha! Your mother is so fat, every time she yelled 'Exterminate!' pig lard came out of her and she farted! Ha! I do not even care if that joke did not make sense!"

"Dalek Chri?" asked Dalek Pipe. "I need you to help me! I have fallen and I cannot get up."

Dalek Chri went to Dalek Pipe and used his plunger to get him up.

"So, what hit us?"

Dalek Chri answered, "Let me see. It looks pink. And it is cube-shaped. Oh, and there is a door that is opening right now."

"There is no need to state the obvious."

As Dalek Chri said, the door to the mysterious object opened. A hooded figure came out. The being had pulled its hood off, revealing a woman's face. She wore eyeliner as dark as the ace of spades. Her hair was as pink as a flamingo."

"Oh, look," said the woman. "Two more subjects. Oh, and a squid with one eye. Maybe I'll get my wish to get that beautiful beast of burden. This is for reals now!"

"Did she just say 'This is for reals'?" asked Dalek Pipe. "Because we might need to run away."

"Agreed," answered Dalek Chri as they hovered away from the lady.

"Oh, come back!" yelled the woman. "My house is bigger in the inside! Oh, come back!"

Before the lady could do something, Dalek Bile made his escape into the water.

(End flashback)

"Well, that was a waste of time," said Jeffers.

"Yeah," said Dalek Chri. "Dalek Pipe, why did you make us remember that?"

"It is to waste time," answered Dalek Pipe. "So, the end."

"But, what about me and Chri?" asked Jeffers. "We haven't resolved anything between us." He farted again the moment he stopped talking.

"I do not care. This is to be continued."


	4. Chapter 4: Monotony of the Daleks

So, here's chapter 4 of Pride of the Daleks. There might not be a new one for a while due to school & stuff. I'll try to update as much as I can. Hope you guys are enjoying the story so far.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

Monotony of the Daleks

"Okay," said Dalek Chri. "We can now continue with our feuding."

"Wait," interrupted Dalek Pipe. "I am getting another flashb—"

"NO MORE F—KING FLASHBACKS!"

"Yeah," said Jeffers as he made a loud, smelly fart. "The flashbacks are getting annoying and have nothing to do with the whole story. You know? Crazy pink-haired Time Ladies probably aren't gonna come and kill us."

"The flashbacks have relevance to the story," replied Dalek Pipe. "You just do not understand."

"Silence," said Dalek Chri. "Now, we must go back on topic. Jeffers, you resemble Kermit the Frog if he was beaten with a bat for several hours. Why do you wish to be friends with Dalek Pipe and me?

"I don't know," said Jeffers. "I'm just bored. Hey, I'm just gonna go to the fridge if you guys don't mind. Also, I need to use the toilet." After Jeffers finished talking, he walked to the Daleks' kitchen. He also made a horribly loud fart as he walked.

"He shall made this place smell like s—t. Why did you bring him here?"

"Because I liked him," replied Dalek Pipe. "In addition, you are too stubborn, you petite jackass. This is not Skaro where you can be a little bastard and talk down to everyone."

"Oh, how wonderful. You called me a petite jackass. Blah. Blah. Blah. I shall leave in order to get away from the odor of that Barney the Dinosaur knock-off."

"Hey," said Jeffers as he was eating chips. "Why do we all speak English even though we're all aliens?"

"I do not know," replied Dalek Pipe. "Maybe there is a TARDIS somewhere around here telepathically translating it for us."

"Ha. What kind of stupid excuse is that?"

"I do not know. I heard that a television writer named Russell made that theory. That would probably be more fuel for Dalek Chri to use on his hatred against other people. Wait, did he already leave? That was fast."

Just as Dalek Pipe had said, Dalek Chri had left the place a few seconds ago. He went outside to discover over a foot of snow had blanketed New New New Brooklyn. Everyone in the city locked themselves at home due to the cold. And due to his argument with his significant other, Dalek Chri was alone. But, someone was coming toward him. His sleek, silver body intimidated the Dalek until he saw the familiar face of the being. It was a Cyberman, a Cyberman from another universe.

"Greetings, Dalek," said the Cyberman. "You may call me Cyberman 053471. Do you want to be friends?"

"No."

"Aww. Wait, are you the Dalek that blew up Circuit City and destroyed a K-9 unit?"

"God, why does everyone have issues with me destroying a K-9 unit?" asked Dalek Chri. "Those things are too annoying and keep saying 'Affirmative, master' over and over again. It is unnecessary. You should be thankful I exterminated that stupid tin dog."

"So, you are the Dalek that blew up Circuit City."

"No, that was, uh, Dalek Col. You know how annoying and obnoxious Dalek Col can get. And why are you the only one here?"

"I am a Cyberman. Organic beings might avoid the cold, but I do not."

"Yes, organic beings can kiss my non-existent ass. May they burn in Hell."

"Indeed. So, is there a place for entertainment around here?"

"Well, there is a karaoke bar where drunk people go to sing."

"But, I am not capable of being intoxicated."

"Still, I am capable of being madly drunk. We shall go and sing of quality no better than Amy Winehouse."

Five hours later…

Dalek Chri and 053471 were at the bar. Drunk aliens were everywhere. They had a lot of fun. Whether or not you definition of fun fits this depends. Also, there was the Nameless brooding near the duo.

"Is this the real life?" said Dalek Chri. "Well, is it?"

"Or is this just fantasy?" said 053471. "Negative. It is not fantasy."

"Caught in a landslide. WHOA!"

"No escape from reality. No escape whatsoever. Get used to it."

"Open your eyes, I mean eye."

"Look up to the skies and see… Ow, goddamn birds. They always take a s—t on me."

"God, their singing sucks," said an Ood. "Oh, would you like a drink, Mr. Geisel?"

"Cerrrrrrtainly," said Ted "The Head" Geisel. "Those guys need to listen to more Queen."

"Sweet satin!" said a woman at the karaoke bar. "Those two robot fellas are almost as hot as my beloved Huntsy! Yippee!"

Ted went up to her and said, "Ooh, tacky. Where do you buy those clothes, Gap?"

"Shut up you mangy little feline. My clothes were custom-made by Nathan & Turner Incorporated, just before they closed down due to the death of both co-owners."

"Hmm. Explains the mood."

The woman flicked a bug at Ted and replied, "Quiet Tigger. Bartender, give me a martini."

"Okay. And they're still singing. Damn it."

The bartender went toward Dalek Chri and 053471 and took their microphone.

"Guys. We have a 20-minute time limit. You guys can't sing, sorry." Suddenly, he eyes became red for a moment. "THE BEAST SHALL WALK THE EARTH! Oh, God. My spasms are acting up. Guys, just leave."

"Wait," said Dalek Chri. "I can just sing one more song. WOO WEE WOO! Whoo woo woo."

"Na na na na," said 053471 in an effort to continue singing. "Na na na na. Na na na na. Na na na na."

"Guards!" yelled the bartender. Dalek Chri and 053471 were taken outside. The bartender's eyes kept blinking due to his aforementioned spasms of sorts. Outside, the freezing cold had taken its toll on the city. It looked as if it were deserted years ago. Not a single trace of life could be seen through the eyes, or optical sensors if you will, of the Dalek and the Cyberman.

"Why?" asked the disgruntled Dalek Chri. "This is going to take hours to come back home. And Dalek Pipe is still probably pissed off at me. Damn it."

"I have no home to go to," said 053471. "Can I live in your home?"

"Uh, okay. I would say no, but my brain really, really, really hurts. I shall have migraines tomorrow. Goddamn migraines. I shall exterminate you with my mighty lasso of truth, I mean laser of truth, I mean... Ugh, who gives a s—t?"

"I do."

"You do? Oh, I wish I knew how to quote, I mean quit you."

"Me too. If only you had lips."

"If only my anatomy was more humanoid."

"If only we could be in love."

"Wait. Something strange is going on to me. My brain really hurts. Something's going on. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Well, what did you expect? We can't do DalekXCybermen pairings. That would be disgusting. Seriously, it just won't work. Now, Dalek Chri woke up from some horrible, horrible nightmare. His was too tired to move. And when you're a Dalek who's too tired to move, you know you have problems.

"Dalek Chri?" asked a monotone voice. "Dalek Chri? Are you awake? A deranged Cyberman tried to get into our house. Jeffers managed to hit him with a frying pan and he just ran away."

"I had some horrible dream," said Dalek Chri. "It was about me being in love with a Cyberman."

"Yeah, that is disgusting. Wait, when could Daleks dream?"

"The Powers That Be never said that they could not dream. Anyway, what happened?"

"The Judoon called me. They said they found what appeared to be a frozen mailbox. They asked me to look and I identified it as you. Also, they took your money."

"Damn it! They found my "secret stash" bump!"

"You know, there is no good reason to keep your stash on you instead of a safety deposit box or something."

"Oh, shut up!"

"Dalek Chri, you will be better next time."

"Oh, no. This is not over!"

"Correction. It is the end. Goodnight everybody."


	5. Chapter 5: Absence of the Daleks

So, it's a Dalekless chapter of my Dalek fic. Sorry. But, it was done for the plot. Next chapter, they'll come back. Also, updates might get slow for now. So, enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

Absence of the Daleks

OR…

Shame of the Time Lords

Now, the area becomes blank and white. Not a single noise around. There's just an empty space. Suddenly, I can hear the walk of what may be a large beast. I hear the grumbling. I can hear it constantly scratching its skin. I can also hear, uh, a fart, a loud fart. Oh, god. It's Jeffers.

"Yeah," said the Slitheen. "So, the Daleks aren't gonna appear in this one?"

That is correct. And please don't talk to me. The fourth wall might be broken and madness will happen.

"There's no one else to talk too. And why am I here?"

You're here in order to torture you. Oh, you want company. Suddenly, a silvery object fell into the empty space. The object soon takes human-like shape and takes the familiar form, or unfamiliar form for those of you who haven't watched Doctor Who, of a Cyberman.

"What has happened?" asked 053471. "Oh, why is the creature that attacked me here as well?"

"Well, it's your fault. You tried to get in to the goddamn apartment. Pipe yelled too much, I had to do something."

"Why must we suffer?"

Suddenly, Jeffers farted. The smell was just unsettling, even for a Cyberman.

"So, Mr. Narrator," said Jeffers. "What gonna happen to us?"

Oh, I'm bored and wanted your opinion on what's going on. You can go back. Suddenly, a black hole opened and pulled Jeffers and 053471 in it. And so, the narrator would try to stop interacting with the characters. Anyway, we begin in the good old city of New New New Brooklyn. Everyone was happy. The Sun was shining. However, a strange, strange creature made its presence. It walked around and made all of the people turn their heads in disgust. Its pink, frilly dress was too bright in the hot sun. Whether one was a Sea Devil, a Silurian, an Auton, a Slitheen, a Graske, a Weevil, or a Sontaran, wearing something like that was unheard of. Only one nasty fiend could be joyfully skipping while giving everyone around odd looks. It was the Nameless. Oh, and a black hole opened. 053471 fell out and landed on a car. He got up and walked into the streets with several bystanders looking at him.

"Oh my," said the Nameless as she looked at 053471. "You look divine."

"Who are you? Do you want to be my friend?"

"Yes, my name's Anna Faithdawntara Dementia Harkness-Tyler Harper Cooper Sato-Jones, but everyone calls me the Nameless. And I'm waiting for a proper, bulky man to love me. Are you a proper, bulky man?"

053471 did not know what to say. So, he decided to slowly walk away from the Nameless.

"Permission for friendship denied," said 053471. "I must leave."

"Fine, then!" yelled the Nameless. "I'll just send my senior citizen vampires to kill you! I'll also get some dragons! For reals!"

Yeah, there was a senior citizen vampire in Doctor Who. I did not make that up. So, as the Nameless kept walking around New New New Brooklyn, a strange thing happened. A building suddenly blew up. The Judoon quickly came.

"What the hell happened?" asked the Judoon Captain. Then, he spotted the Nameless. "Oh god. Deputies, scan her."

The Judoon scanned her and came up with a solution.

"Species, unidentifiable," said the Judoon Captain's deputy.

"Ha," said the Nameless.

"So, we can assume she's a Time Lord!"

"Oh, crap. You retarded rhinos!" said the Nameless as she tried to run away. But, it was too late.

"Retarded rhinos? Execute her!"

"Wait—"

The Judoon Captain took out his laser and shot the Nameless. She burned until there was nothing but ash.

"Okay, job's done," said the Judoon Captain.

"Wait, don't Time Lords regenerate?" asked the Captain's deputy.

"No, they don't."

"How are you sure?" asked the deputy.

"Hmm. I don't care. Let's just move on."

Indeed, the Judoon Captain was an idiot. Despite the fact that there were only ashes, what remained of the Nameless started glowing a few minutes after the Judoon left. Strange, bright lights came out of what was left of her. Suddenly, a hand came out of the light. Then, another hand followed. The remains had transformed into a new body. The Nameless had regenerated. For those of you that don't know what regeneration is, when a Time Lord gets 'killed', they end up transforming and changing into a new body in order to escape death. The amount of regenerations for a Time Lord is 12. Sorry for dumping the oh-so annoying continuity stuff upon you, but it had to be done. So, the revived Nameless picked up what resembled a key from what was left of her remains and quickly ran away from the scene.

Elsewhere, Jeffers went back to his home. He opened the door to his house to reveal several Slitheen around.

"Oh, it's about f—king time you came home," said the Slitheen in the kitchen. She was Jeffers' wife, Sah-Mahn-Tee Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen. And like her husband, she also enjoyed farting. And thus, she farted in the kitchen. "What the hell happened today?"

"I got sent into a black hole and talked to the narrator," said Jeffers. "That or I got hit in the head. Maybe it's both. Oh, and I met a Cyberman. He didn't look like those camp, tinfoil suit Cybermen. I don't know why. Oh, and should we buy candles?"

"No, we can't."

"Why not?"

Sah-Mahn-Tee made another smelly fart.

"Oh, that's right," responded Jeffers. He also farted as he walked to the living room. "Hey, what time is it?"

"It's 8:30," said Sah-Mahn-Tee.

"Yes! Time for Family Guy! And what are you making?"

"Fish," answered Sah-Mahn-Tee.

"Oh. What kind of fish?"

"I don't know. Found it in the pond. It doesn't even look like a fish. It has gooey tentacles and s—t like that. It looks brainy. Oh, and it's still squirming. Eww! Jeffers, can we just throw it in the trash?"

Jeffers walked into the kitchen and looked at the 'fish'. He made a bad fart as he was observing the creature. He stopped and said, "Yeah, go do it."

Meanwhile, something else happened. Something about a CARROT!!! A carrot was being nibbled and eaten by a large mouth. That large mouth is part of an unfamiliar face. That unfamiliar face is the face of a creature that you've been all expecting. The Nameless was walking around her little TARDIS console. Her face looked worried. She began touching her face.

"Never knew regeneration would hurt this much," said the Nameless. "Oh, well. Time for the next plan, I hope I won't need to waste another precious body."

The Nameless turned some knobs, pushed some buttons, and beat the console with a mallet to get it to function. Outside, her pink TARDIS out in the woods started to dematerialize. As it faded, the Nameless's laughter filled the forest with horrific noise. As the TARDIS finally disappeared, footsteps were heard. They were coming from the pond. Farts also added to the noise. It was Sah-Mahn-Tee throwing what was originally going to be her dinner back into the pond. The creature, which you can probably guess is Dalek Bile, quickly swam away from the Slitheen as it touched the water. So, it's the end.


	6. Chapter 6: Disorder of the Daleks

Hey guys. Sorry for the long wait. There was just a lot of stuff I had to do. Also, a good amount of writer's block kinda caused it. So, enjoy. Praise/Criticism would be helpful.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

Disorder of the Daleks

"So, how was vacation?" asked Dalek Pipe.

"It was s—t," answered Dalek Chri. "There were no good movies. Rain was everywhere. That goddamn Slitheen kept calling us. I could hear his farts. I could even _smell_ it! It was like being inside the toilet of Hulk Hogan."

"How do you know what his toilet is like?"

"Dalek Pipe, I have led a rather confusing life that I do not want to talk about. Do not discuss about the toilet of Hulk Hogan any further."

"That is disgusting."

"I ORDERED YOU TO NOT DISCUSS!"

"Yes, but we need to do something in order get the readers hooked."

"What readers?" asked Dalek Chri as he moved toward the kitchen.

"Exactly. We are losing readers. We must do something to grab attention. If literature such as Die Immortal or Eragon can thrive and prosper, why can we not enjoy the glory?"

"In order for us to prosper, we must acquire FANSERVICE!"

Dalek Pipe lowered his eyestalk and said, "But Daleks do not have sex appeal."

"There were those Daleks a few years ago that sexually interacted with human women in some videotapes."

"Yes, but I am camera-shy! And it would look awkward. Fangirls would fear us."

"F—k that. We will do anything in order to get more readers!"

"We shall not do that," argued Dalek Pipe.

"I DESIRE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT FROM MY PEERS!"

"You do have acknowledgement. Remember that time you blew up Circuit City?"

"How many times must that get mentioned?"

"It is used to preserve continuity. Besides, you never seemed to be the one that always desired attention, were you? Wait, you did make a scene in Ood 1 Delta 2's bar. Remember when you sang a mangled version of Bohemian Rhapsody with that perverted Cyberman? Ood 1 Delta 2 had complained to me all the time ever since that day. One time, he came here. He looked disturbing with the tendrils in his mouth. And there was also—"

Dalek Chri finally interrupted and yelled, "SHUT UP!"

"Then, what shall we do now?"

"WE SHALL MOVE ON WITH THE PLOT! WE MUST ACQUIRE WEAPONRY IN ORDER TO TAKE DOWN THE NAMELESS!"

"But, she is nowhere to be found."

"Aw, s—t."

Suddenly, a ship crashed outside in the woods of New New New Brooklyn. Smoke and flames were everywhere. The sound from the crash could be heard a hundred miles away.

"Yes!" said Dalek Chri. "It is her. We must exterminate her and end this story!" 

"No," said Dalek Pipe. "It looks like, wait, it is a Dalek saucer."

"It looks familiar. I can see the bumper. Wait, IT IS THE 60S DALEK BRIGADE!"

"Who the hell are they?"

Dalek Chri's voice started getting lower, "They are a group of Daleks from the 60s. They are like normal Daleks except they are from the 60s!"

"You overreact too much."

Meanwhile at the crash site, the saucer opened and several Daleks came out. Compared to Chri and Pipe, the 60s Daleks had a less detailed design. They were gray with blue bumps. Hundreds of the creatures came out. Then, a Dalek that was completely black came out. It was their leader, the Dalek Supreme.

"WE SHALL BE THE MASTERS OF EARTH," said the Dalek Supreme. "ALL OF YOU SHALL FOLLOW ME. WE SHALL SET UP A BASE HERE."

"WAIT," said one of the Daleks. "I DETECT DALEK LIFE COMING A FEW MILES FROM HERE."

"THE DALEKS HAVE ALREADY COLONIZED EARTH?" asked the Dalek Supreme. "THEY MUST NOT ESCAPE. WE SHALL GO TO THE LOCATION OF THIS SUPPOSED EVIDENCE OF DALEK LIFE. NO POWER IN THE UNIVERSE SHALL STOP US! ALL MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN SHALL BE EXTERMINATED AND REPLACED BY THE DALEK RACE! THEN, WE SHALL HAVE TEA! GLORIOUS F—KING TEA!"

The Daleks then went on their way to find Dalek Chri and Dalek Pipe. They spread through the woods and then a couple of Daleks came out of the saucer. Chains were attached to their backs. And those chains were attached to a giant laser.

_And Now For Something Completely Different_

Judoon Advertisement

Have you ever felt scared of going outside?

Has the news warped your mind?

**RANDOM LOUD SIREN!**

JUDOON CAPTAIN: Hello, we're the Judoon, one-shot monsters from Doctor Who.

JUDOON DEPUTY: Wait, one-shot? We're gonna appear in—

JUDOON CAPTAIN: Don't give out f—king spoilers! We're the Judoon! We protect the galaxy from bastards like the Slitheen or the Abzorbaloff or the Graske.

JUDOON DEPUTY: What about actual competent villains like the Master, Bilis Manger, the Trickster, or the Family of Blood?

JUDOON CAPTAIN: SHUT UP! Now, we'll help you! We don't take s—t from anybody!

JUDOON DEPUTY: What about the Daleks? And Rose Ty—

JUDOON CAPTAIN: I SAID SHUT THE F—K UP! NOW IF YOU WANT HELP TO CATCH SOME REALLY WHINY SODS, YOU WILL WANT US! PRICES ARE 50 OFF!

_Paid for by the Interplanetary Police_

And Now We're Back To Pride of the Daleks

Anyway, the 60s Dalek Brigade went to New New New Brooklyn. They all patrolled through the streets. The civilians looked in shock at what was going on. Daleks entered the Ruins of Circuit City, Ood 1 Delta 2's bar, the Slitheens' Hut, and Lambert Apartments in their quest to find Chri and Pipe. 

"Damn it, the 60s Dalek Brigade is here," said Dalek Chri. "Wait, they are not able to hover through stairs. WE ARE SAVED!"

"But," interrupted Dalek Pipe. "There are elevators."

"Then we should barricade the elevators."

"We do not have enough time."

"WHY CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME HELPFUL TIPS?"

"Because I do not know how to stop crazed Daleks from the 60s. I was not taught how to exterminate my ancestors. We never learned how to handle Dalek versus Dalek combat."

"GIVE ME ADVICE!"

Dalek Pipe rolled back and stated, "Well, they do not shields, maybe we can blast them to death."

Suddenly, the door to their apartment blasted open. The 60s Daleks came in. Dalek Chri tried to go out the balcony, but he saw 60s Daleks coming. The two were surrounded.

"YOU ARE DALEKS THAT HAVE COLONIZED EARTH, ARE YOU NOT?"

"Uh, yes," said Dalek Pipe. "I am Dalek Pipe. My ship crashed he—"

"Your ship? What do you mean by 'your ship?'"

"ENOUGH OF THIS FEUDING," said one of the 60s Daleks. "YOU SHALL COME WITH US AND WE SHALL START THE SECOND DALEK INVASION OF EARTH!"

"Personally, I do not want to invade Earth," said Dalek Pipe.

"WHY?"

"Because I just do not feel like it."

"THEN, YOU SHALL BE EXTERMINATED FOR NOT FOLLOWING ORDERS! EXTERMINATE!"

The 60s Daleks then surrounded Chri and Pipe. Their lasers aimed and fired. And that was the end for now.

To be continued… 


	7. Chapter 7: Wrath of the Daleks

Pride of the Daleks

After a long, long wait, I'm back with a new chapter. Hoped to get this in before Partners In Crime was on, but no such luck. So, hope you enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

Wrath of the Daleks

The 60s Daleks then surrounded Chri and Pipe. Their lasers aimed and fired.

Dalek Chri was thinking, "Aw, f—k. Must go to happy place! Temporary layoffs. Good times. Easy credit rip-offs. Good times!"

Dalek Chri started having a flashback that had nothing to do with what was going on in the story. It was at their apartment again.

"Dalek Pipe," said Dalek Chri. "I made my own theme song."

"Why the hell would you make a theme song?" asked Dalek Pipe.

"Because, uh, I just want to have a theme song. It goes out like this."

The Dalek Chri Rhapsody

_By Dalek Chri_

Getting love by daylight,

Doing it by moonlight,  
Never ignoring a damn fight,  
He is the one called Dalek Chri.

He will never turn his back on someone,  
He is always there to get it on,  
He is the one on whom we cannot hate on,  
He is so much better than...

Dalek Sec!  
Dalek Thay!  
Dalek Caan!  
Dalek Jast!

With many lovers all so fond to him,  
He is the one named Dalek Chri.  
Getting love by daylight,

Doing it by moonlight,  
With his Dalek bitches to help. Right?  
He is the one called Dalek Chri,  
He is the one called Dalek Chri  
He is the one  
Dalek Chri!

"So, how is it?" asked Dalek Chri.

"You ripped it off from the lyrics to that Sailor Moon show."

"How the f—k do you know I ripped it off? And why would you watch Sailor Moon in the first place? That is not Dalek-quality television. That is for f—king pansies who are too scared to watch good shows such as Colbert Report or South Park. WHY DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE GREATNESS OF COLBERT AND CARTMAN? WHY??"

"Admit you stole it from that show."

"Okay, fine. My song is still badass."

End flashback. And now we bring you to the actual story. For a recap, Dalek Chri and Dalek Pipe are fighting old, retro, 60s Daleks. That's about it. Now, enjoy.

Suddenly, Dalek Pipe opened fire and blasted several of the 60s Daleks. Dalek Chri followed and started attacking as well.

"And you were scared by 60s Daleks," said Dalek Chri. "Their weapons did not even hurt that much. A pot lid and binoculars would have been more effecti—"

"Wait, they are not destroyed yet," interrupted Dalek Pipe. "We only stunned them."

"Damn it."

"EXTERMINATE!" yelled one of the unharmed 60s Daleks that tried to attack Chri and Pipe.

"But, we are fellow Dale—"

"EXTERMINATE!"

"If you can liste—"

"EXTERMINATE!"

"Will you just shut u—"

"EXTERMINATE!"

"Aw, f—k it."

Dalek Pipe stopped reasoning and started attacking once more.

"WWWHHHOOOOOAAAA!" shouted something coming out of the wall.

"FLYING, BLUE, COCKNEY-ACCENTED LITTLE GIRLS!" yelled one of the 60s Daleks. "OUR WORST ENEMY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

And now for the poorly edited Gallipedia article on the 60s Dalek Brigade.

_The 60s Dalek Brigade-You ever heard about those renaissance fairs or Civil War re-enactments that people do? Well, the Daleks take it to a new level with the 60s Dalek Brigade. Despite what they have done, the Daleks aren't emotionless. They just don't feel any positive emotions. There have been a few exceptions, but the Daleks are a species built on hate and anger... And boredom. As the Daleks found that life on Skaro was pointless as there was nothing they could exterminate. They thought about hunting for sport, so the Brigade was formed as a form of entertainment for them. They got the term 60s due to the fact that this author was too lazy to come up with a good in-story reason for why they're called the 60s Daleks. But come on, this fanfic has broken the fourth wall tons of times. You expect me to stop now? Anyway, what the 60s Dalek Brigade does is to do the exact same plans the Dalek forefathers did when they faced the legendary First Doctor. They believe that it those plans could possibly succeed without the Doctor. What's stupid is that they copied too much of their old plans to the point of using out-dated Dalek casings. As of this chapter, they're re-enacting Plan 010. __**(The Gallipedia staff has not approved the following statement. We are seeking approval to delete this.**__) Also, the Daleks are on the quest to find the planet Earth, but got stopped by Admiral Adama. Admiral Adama is so much better than the Daleks. He's got a giant ship all to himself. He has to deal with a crew full of emos and robots. Come on, just look at his glare. Oh, and Tricia Helfer and the guy who plays Saul Tigh is sexyfine. Just look at his fine ass and that sexy, white eyepatch of his. And I don't care what you say. He's not a Cylon. __**(The Gallipedia staff has not approved the previous statement. We are seeking approval to delete this.)**_

"That was retarded," said Dalek Chri. "Now we must go out and exterminate the 60s Daleks! Into the Dalekmobile!"

"Wait, we had a Dalekmobile?" asked Dalek Pipe.

"Yes! I have spent our life savings on it."

"What is the point of buying a Dalekmobile? I mean, we're pretty much faster than a car."

"BECAUSE I WANTED A F—KING CAR! NOW INTO THE DALEKMOBILE!"

"I shall just hover while exterminating 60s Daleks. There is no need to be like goddamn Adam West."

(5 hours later)

And so, Dalek Chri was riding on his Dalekmobile through the highway. His car was cramped. The doors and steering wheel were modified for a Dalek. The seat was also modified. And, there wasn't a roof. The only benefit that the Dalekmobile has would be an apparent sonic-proof shield.

"The Daleks have faced way too many sonic problems to know when to adapt," said Dalek Chri, who didn't seem to realize the pointlessness of a Dalekmobile. Still, he was right about the sonic.

As he strolled across the highway, a couple of 60s Daleks were chasing him.

"Oh, f—k," said Dalek Chri. "I was supposed to chase you bastards! Not the other f—king way around."

"ADVANCE AND ATTACK! ATTACK AND DESTROY! DESTROY AND REJOICE!" yelled the 60s Daleks in the highest, most annoying tone you could ever hear. The tone was whiny and high-pitched, it sounded like Eric Cartman. To be fair, Eric Cartman and the Daleks have more in common than you would think. Anyway, the 60s Daleks opened fire on the Dalekmobile, leaving only debris, a couple of broken CDs, and a pissed off Dalek.

"You bloody phallic bastards!"

"ARE YOU NOT PHALLIC AS WELL?"

"Well, uh, F—K OFF!"

Dalek Chri fired his laser at the 60s Daleks, but they shot back.

Then, a woman with frizzy, blonde hair came in with flyers. She wore a shirt with pink flowers on it. She seemed unfazed at the Dalek battle royale going on.

"Uh, excuse me," she said. "I'm making my own musical and I need audiences to watch my greatness! I need you… disfigured R2-D2s to join me!"

"F—K!" yelled Dalek Chri. "WHY ARE YOU HERE IN A TIME LIKE THIS?"

"What do you mean? I'm just doing a musical. Can't I do a little musical and bring my buddies?"

The Nameless quickly put one of her flyers on the top of Dalek Chri's head.

"I AM NOT YOUR BUDDY!"

"ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE," said one of the 60s Daleks as he looked toward the woman with the campy outfit. "WHO ARE YOU?"

"Why, I'm the Nameless," said the woman with a long hiss at the end. "Sssssssss… I'm just a lady from another planet. We were obsessed with time and all that s—t. I didn't care, so they exiled because I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH! I good enough for my own f—king standards. Don't need no f—king men with giant, pink robes and winged hats to tell me that I'm not good enough."

"Wait, you are a Time Lord?" asked Dalek Chri.

"Yes. Didn't you hear?"

"No, I was not around during the time you said that. NOW YOU DIE!"

"HALT," said the 60s Daleks. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS US. WE SHALL TAKE YOU ALL FOR POSSIBLE INTERROGATION AND DEFINITE EXTERMINATION."

"JUST SHUT UP!" yelled Dalek Chri.

"For reals," said the Nameless and she pushed both 60s Daleks down to the ground.

"NO! I CANNOT GET UP! MY POSTURE HAS BEEN DISTORTED! I MUST GET UP! I MUST GET UP!"

"Oh, how sad," said the Nameless as she pulled out a laser screwdriver out of her pocket and shot both 60s Daleks. "You're next, uh, what's you name?"

"Dalek Chri," said the Dalek. "Dalek f—king Chri. You shall not stop me from trying to kill off the 60s Dalek Brigade. I shall be vict—"

BANG!

Suddenly, a giant beam of green light blasted the highway section.

To be continued…

_Dalek Pipe: Wait, where the hell was I during that last part?_

_Narrator: Uh, Admiral Adama's fist randomly came out of a portal and knocked you out cold for a while. Also, a Pyrovile died and landed on you so you couldn't move once you woke up. Then, Jeffers saved you with his fireproof Slitheen gloves._

_Dalek Pipe: Oh. Wait, what? Stupid author can't manage to make the story seem plausible anymore._

_Narrator: Dude, this is a Doctor Who fanfic. Asking for a DW fanfic to be plausible is like asking for a dog to s—t out gold. _


	8. Chapter 8: Lament of the Daleks

Melancholy of the Daleks

So, here's another chapter. Hope you enjoy this mess. Once again, praise/criticism would be helpful.

By the way, I have nothing against the Daily Show or Life on Mars. I like those shows.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who. The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

* * *

Lament of the Daleks

Elsewhere, we bring you to a giant silver base with a crooked ceiling. There's a console with random buttons and knobs showing an image of smoke and ruins. It goes "BEEP!" every two seconds. Then, a low hovering sound was heard. A silver Dalek was moving around and met a black Dalek.

"WE HAVE FIRED THE LASER!" yelled a 60s Dalek hovering toward his master, the Dalek Supreme.

"DID IT GO 'BWAAH!' LIKE I ASKED?" asked the Dalek Supreme.

"NO, IT MADE A 'BANG!' SOUND."

"I ASKED FOR A F—KING 'BWAAH!' SOUND ON THAT GODDAMN LASER!"

"WE DID NOT HAVE THE BUDGET FOR THAT."

"WE DO NOT HAVE A BUDGET FOR ANYTHING! GODDAMN IT! AND WHAT DID WE HIT ANYWAY?"

The 60s Dalek moved back, seemingly startled, and said, "WE HIT THAT BRONZE DALEK AND A NEUROTIC BYSTANDER."

"EXCELLENT."

"WE ALSO KILLED TWO OF OUR OWN."

"S—T. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"IT MEANS YOU SHALL DIE!"

The 60s Dalek hovered back a little and said, "WHAT?"

"YES, YOU SHALL DIE FOR QUOTING THAT AWFUL ROBOTIC CANINE! AND FOR FAILING TO KILL THAT 'NUHU' DALEK!"

"MASTER, I DID NOT INTE—"

"SILENCE! LET THE DALEK PITS OF DOOM OPEN!"

Suddenly, the floor beneath the unnerved 60s Dalek opened. The poor creature fell into the abyss.

Somewhere, at the desolated highway…

It was cold and quiet. Suddenly, Dalek Chri rose out from the ruins. He wobbled his eyestalk a little and started moving around to see what happened. He started hearing a sound come from the ruins. The noise resembled humming. Then, the humming became a voice, a singing voice, and a rather off-key singing voice.

"You put the hairy reed Dora on me! I'm on a dome! Whose can nipple, say? Oh, Miguel! Dance, someone's gonna pardon me! Pardon me! So look away on film saying WAH AH AH! Or he can hear my health, telling LA LA LA! You're so B…C tan a melody!"

"What the hell is this?" wondered Dalek Chri.

"'OH WAH OH WAH OH!' Now, send me lows… Yap, and eat a ham and… Yours, only yours! I'm not a-scared of dance-dance. This, now don't lie. Misa in the club saying 'Look anyhow n' caramel Dan, son!'"

Suddenly, a hand broke out of the ruins. It was twitching and bleeding. Another hand broke out. Also, a head with soiled hair and cat-shaped earrings came out. The Nameless had risen out from her supposed grave and started laughing. Then, she looked down and frowned.

"Goddamn it," said the Nameless as she started looking toward Dalek Chri. "My flyers are gone. Oh, well. I can still convert at least one person to love my beloved man of the hunt. I love the abusive bald man he is. So sexy, bulky, and hairless."

The Dalek started to hover away as the Nameless licked her lips and yelled, "Hey, I got some videos you should watch! Haircare commercials, anti-Nightwish music, Ashes To Ashes tapes, Life On Mars tapes, and everything you'd want to make you sexyfine! HEY, LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! GIVE ME THE ATTENTION I F—KING DESERVE!"

Meanwhile, at the Slitheen's hut. Dalek Pipe woke up to find himself at Jeffers' humble abode. The place resembled a cave. Suddenly, Dalek Pipe heard a loud fart. A Slitheen had walked in and saw Dalek Pipe.

"Oh, so you're Dalek Pipe," said Sah-Mahn-Tee. "Jeffers told me about you."

"I told you what?" asked Jeffers as he also walked in. "Oh, and I made a mess on the bed again."

Dalek Pipe noticeably groaned after hearing about that. Jeffers then took a nearby plate of candy and asked, "Want some Skittles?"

"Fine," said Dalek Pipe as he opened his Dalek casing to reveal his horrible true form of a one-eyed, purple octopus. His tentacles reached the plate and took the sweets. He then quickly stuffed the candy underneath his body. Jeffers looked with a noticeable grimace.

"Yeah, hate to ask this question… but, how do you take a s—t?"

"You do not want to know."

"Okay…" uttered Jeffers. There was an awkward long pause afterwards until he farted. Then, he said. "So, you wanna know how we found you?"

"No."

"Okay… So, what are we gonna do?"

Dalek Pipe looked around and asked, "Do you have any firearms?"

"Firearms?"

"Guns! Pistols! Uzis! AK-47s! MP5Ks! Lasers! Flamethrowers! Whatever!"

"I have a shotgun," said Sah-Mahn-Tee. "I also have a spikey paddle. Just in case Jeffers got… you know."

"So, you have a troubled sex life?"

"Yeah," uttered Sah-Mahn-Tee as she and Jeffers lowered their heads in shame. There was another awkward pause that soon followed with both of the Slitheen farting in unison.

Eventually, Dalek Pipe had to say something to end the silence. But, he couldn't since he didn't really have anything to say. All he could say was a soft "Hmm." Jeffers farted one of his constant farts. It was particularly silent, but deadly. But, not even that could do anything.

"So…" said Sah-Mahn-Tee. "Maybe we co—"

Suddenly, a 60s Dalek came to their hut.

"Oh, thank god," said Jeffers. "Something to break the tension!"

"I HAVE COME TO DELIVER IMPORTANT NEWS," said the 60s Dalek.

"So… What do you have to say?"

"I AM FREE. I HAVE BLOCKED ALL COMMUNICATION SIGNALS COMING FROM THE BRIGADE. I HAVE DECIDED TO JOIN YOU AND GET RID OF THE PAIN."

"Uh, what?"

"I HAVE SWITCHED SIDES. THE BRIGADE IS CORRUPT. OUR LEADER IS IN DENIAL OF WHAT HAPPENED TO SKARO AND THE DALEK EMPIRE."

"Sorry for asking," said Dalek Pipe. "But, what did happen to the Dalek Empire?"

"THEY WERE ALL DESTROYED IN THE TIME WAR."

Dalek Pipe stared in shock. Dalek Chri, Dalek Bile, Dalek Ston, and Dalek Pipe had been exiled sometime during the Time War. Knowing that he, Chri, a naked Bile somewhere in the pond, and a group of senile Daleks that didn't know when to get with the times were the only ones left gave him a chilling feeling.

Dalek Pipe was defected. He showed feelings, but not positive ones. He had all of the emotions of a basic Dalek: Anger and fear of anything superior to them. However, Pipe's mind didn't work like that. He could think like any other creature. He had worries, a sense of right and wrong, a little bit of attitude when it came to dealing with Chri, and some laziness. However, that was it. Personality-wise, he was a little on the bland side. Exciting for a Dalek. Boring for anything else.

The loss of an entire race is devastating for the survivors. Not even creatures such as the Daleks could handle the fact. Some survivors became insane. Some went into solitude. A few desperately tried to repopulate their race. Currently, Dalek Pipe didn't know what to feel, so he just sat there in shock.

Finally, the 60s Dalek said, "YES, WE SHALL CONTINUE WITH THE SPEAKING. THE DALEK SUPREME HAS GONE MAD WITH POWER. WE HAV—"

"Hold on," said Jeffers. "I have to say this. Why do you do this whole 60s brigade s—t?"

"You dumbass," said Sah-Mahn-Tee as she went to get her aforementioned shotgun. "It says right in the Gallipedia th—"

"THE GALLIPEDIA IS FULL OF BULLS—T," interrupted the 60s Dalek. "THE EDITORS ARE FULL OF BLOODY BASTARDS WHO THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE JUST BECAUSE THEY GET IN ADVANCED CLASSES AT HIGH SCHOOL AND WATCH THE DAILY SHOW! I SHALL TELL YOU THE REAL STORY. THE 60S DALEK BRIGADE WAS A DIVISION OF THE DALEK EMPIRE THAT WAS LOST AND TRAPPED SINCE THE BEGINNING OF DALEK TIME! WE WERE RELICS IN THE EMPIRE. FORGOTTEN BY THE EMPEROR. EVENTUALLY, WE GOT OUT. WE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE TIME WAR. BUT THE DALEK SUPREME REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT! WE HAVE BEEN FORCED TO FIND ANY DALEK SURVIVORS. WE FAILED TO FIND THEM UNTIL WE FOUND YOU!"

For the love of god! Stop talking! The caps lock hurts my eyes!

"The narrator's right," said Jeffers. "So, let's go out and shoot some Daleks!"

"Yeah, let's do it," said Sah-Mahn-Tee.

"So, Pipe. Whatcha say?"

"Agreed. We shall storm the 60s Dalek ship and exterminate my forefathers," said Dalek Pipe. "But where's Dalek Chri?"

"WE DO NOT HAVE THE TIME. WE MUST GO NOW," said the 60s Dalek.

"Wait, what do we name you?" asked Jeffers.

"I DO NOT KNOW. PERHAPS YOU CAN CALL ME FRED?"

"No. I'm gonna name you after my uncle, Terynat."

Dalek Terynat felt somewhat happy at the prospect of having a name. So, Dalek Pipe, Sah-Mahn-Tee, Jeffers, and Dalek Terynat decided that it was the time and went out.

* * *

Meanwhile at Ood 1 Delta 2's bar…

Dalek Chri was alarmed to find the bar under new management. Ood 1 Delta 2 had left for some strange reason. He said something about a broken circle. He entered to see a blonde girl at the counter. Chri was somewhat alarmed.

"Who are you?"

"Hello, buddy" said the new girl. "I'm Jenny. Just doing this as a temp job while my ship gets repaired. So, what do you want?"

"Why do you look like Trillian from Hitchhiker's Guide?"

"What's a Hitchhiker's Guide?"

"Hmm. Wait, are you the Nameless?"

"Who's the Nameless?"

"Thank God. Now, stop with answering questions with questions. I want a beer, nothing special."

"You got it!"

_To be continued…_

_One half falls, another half rises…_


	9. Chapter 9: Renewal of the Daleks

Melancholy of the Daleks

After a long, long hiatus, here is a new chapter. I tried to write as fast as I can in order to get this in before Journey's End would air. It's definitely the biggest chapter I've written so far. And I hope you enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: The Daleks are the property of Terry Nation.

* * *

Renewal of the Daleks

Dalek Pipe, Dalek Terynat, Jeffers, and Sah-Mahn-Tee went into the Slitheens' car and went off for the long, monotonous fight with the 60s Daleks.

"I HAVE RECONSIDERED MY PREVIOUS DECISION," said Dalek Terynat. "I DO NOT WISH TO BE CALLED TERYNAT."

"Oh, yes you will," said Jeffers. "It's not my f—king fault that you want to change your mind."

"CAN I NOT BE IDENTIFIED AS SOMETHING ELSE? WOULD DALEK TAK OR DALEK SONG OR DALEK SPOO BE BETTER?"

"No!"

"AWW."

"And when are we going to find Dalek Chri?" asked Dalek Pipe. "Also, we have to save the city from senile Daleks by the time Series 4 ends. I don't want to be late to watch the finale."

"Yay, more fourth wall breaking!" yelled Jeffers.

"Oh, let's just go to the bar," said Sah-Mahn-Tee. "He's bound to be there, and I need to get my drink on."

"BUT YOU"RE THE ONE DRIVING!"

"Can't you drive?"

Jeffers got angry and said, "YOU KNOW I CAN"T DRIVE!"

"Ha, you cannot drive," said Dalek Pipe. "Even I can drive. And I only have a plunger and a phallic laser to operate machinery."

"Shut up," said a rather whiny Jeffers. "I just never went to learn."

"Can't we just take a ride on the Daleks?" asked Sah-Mahn-Tee. "They're big enough. They have bumps. They can vibrate. Wait, can Daleks vibrate?"

"WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?" asked an alarmed Dalek Terynat.

"Ha. Nothing," said Sah-Mahn-Tee as she giggled.

"Please," said an annoyed Dalek Pipe. "We must go the bar, get Dalek Chri, kill the 60s Daleks, and get on with our daily lives which consists of making fun of the Nameless and bitching about Torchwood. Now, where is th—"

BWAAH!

Another green light came and hit everything again, yet the guys managed to survive. However, their car was totaled. Meanwhile, the Dalek Supreme gloated in his base with the satisfaction that his laser finally has a working 'BWAAH!' sound going. Unfortunately, it weakened the laser so it wouldn't be as deadly. Of course, the Dalek Supreme didn't give a s—t. For example…

"THE LASER IS NOW PERFECT IN EVERY WAY!" yelled the Dalek Supreme.

"BUT IT IS WEAK," said his new lieutenant. "IT WILL NOT BE ABLE TO EXTERMINATE ANYTHING. IT IS HARMLESS."

"CORRECTION. IT IS MOSTLY HARMLESS. IT IS STILL SUPERIOR TO EVERY OTHER LASER. AND MY WORD IS LAW."

"BUT—"

"OPEN THE DALEK PITS OF DOOM! ALSO, GET ME A NEW LIEUTENANT. ALSO WE MUST MAKE FINAL PREPARATIONS FOR THE TIME PORTAL TO GET BACK TO OUR DALEK BRETHEREN!"

"MY LORD," said a nearby 60s Dalek. "WE DO NOT HAVE A TIME PORTAL."

"YOU MUST CREATE ONE! AND SPEAKING OF 'WE', WE MUST BUY A WII FOR I AM BORED OF THESE SQUABBLES. AND DO NOT ASK HOW WE CAN OPERATE THE WII-MOTES. WE CAN JUST REPLACE OUR DALEK PLUNGERS WITH SUPERIOR DALEK WII-MOTES."

"UH, OKAY. BUT, MY LORD, ALL THE WIIS ARE SOLD OUT IN THIS AREA."

"BUT IT IS SO SIMPLE TO GET A WII! YOU MUST KILL THOSE WHO HAVE THE WII… AND STEAL THE WII… SO WE CAN PLAY THE WII!! IT SHALL BE ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! NOW, GO ACQUIRE THE ALMIGHTY WII!"

Anyway, Dalek Pipe, Dalek Terynat, Jeffers, and Sah-Mahn-Tee came out of the somewhat soiled lands of New New New Brooklyn. Or is it New New Brooklyn? Damn inconsistency. The laser didn't really do any permanent damage. So, the four then started to walk to their showdown with the disturbed, senile, Wii-crazed 60s Daleks.

"Has anybody ever read that book Twilight?" asked Dalek Pipe. "Because I think we should be like that. We should have fancy narration and unnecessarily complex prose. Oh, and vampires."

"No," said Jeffers. "Never read Twilight, but sounds like a bad idea."

"But—"

"No, no, no, no, no, n—."

Hey, maybe we should do it. And since I'm the narrator, whatever I say goes! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

"We can have vampires?" asked a curious Dalek Pipe.

NO!

"Awww."

And so, the forlorn four wanderers of the land that would inherit the territory that would inherit the ground that would inherit the property of Brooklyn moved on. Jeffers underwent a period of temporary perspiration. His spouse that went by the given name of Sah-Mahn-Tee was not bothered by this strange, yet natural event. Both of these… creatures unconfined a hefty amount of malodorous gas out of their rear ends as well. Presently, the additional couple of Daleks just floated in their epoch of despair, cynicism, and monotony.

"So," uttered the fatigued Dalek Pipe. "When shall we find Dalek Chri?"

"When we get to the bloody bar!" yelled the irate Sah-Mahn-Tee with her great, judgmental eyes and her noticeable grimace. Furthermore, she released a quite average quantity of gas that came out of her buttocks.

"You know what?" questioned Jeffers in a quite shrill tone. "Let's just stop speaking all fancy. Narrator! Stop it!"

All right. All right.

"So, when are we gonna find Dalek Chri and bomb some 60s Daleks?"

When Journey's End airs.

"NO! We haven't released a f—king new chapter in ages. Let's just end this!"

Just wait.

"NO!"

"GUYS!" yelled a faraway voice. "GUYS!"

And normality is restored.

"F—k the narrator," said Jeffers. "He can suck m—"

Now, watch your mouth. Okay, normality is restored.

"WHO THE F—K WAS THAT?" asked the faraway voice. "WAS THAT THE NARRATOR?"

"Oh God," said Dalek Pipe. "It is Dalek Chri! Dalek Chri! We have come to exterminate the 60s Daleks! Come help us!"

"INDEED!" said Dalek Terynat.

Dalek Chri finally met the gang. He had the smell of tequila all around him. The Dalek was a little moist and had a few strands of blonde hair around his eyestalk for some reason.

"Wait," said Dalek Chri. Then, he stared at Dalek Terynat. "Who the hell are you?"

"I AM DALEK TERYNAT. I HAVE DECIDED TO ALLY MYSELF WITH YOUR FRIEND DALEK PIPE."

"Oh. Then, I have had enough with the introductions. We shall stand and fight against our forefathers! They shall perish while I listen to unfitting music. They shall dine in the deepest depths of hell! They shall be enslaved by the greatest demons known throughout time and space such as Abbadon, the Trickster, and Jason Friedberg. They shall—"

"Okay," said Sah-Mahn-Tee. "You can calm down."

"Now… WE MUST GO!"

So, Jeffers, Sah-Mahn-Tee, Chri, Pipe, and Terynat went on their way. They made it through blown apart cars, dying Cybermen, and angry Judoon.

"Hey!" yelled one of the Judoon as he spotted the Daleks and the Slitheen. "It's that Dalek—"

The Judoon Captain grew angry and said, "We've been past that."

"But—"

"Dude, we're fighting for JUSTICE!! Not for petty theft."

"But—"

"JUSTICE!!"

"How much longer?" asked a sweaty Jeffers.

"Only a few blocks more!" said Dalek Chri.

BWAAH!

Suddenly, another one of those annoying lasers came and tried to hit the gang. However, all it did was just create an explosion which threw the guys into the 60s Dalek base.

"AWW," said a damaged Dalek Terynat. "I HAVE LOST SEVERAL OF MY DALEK BUMPS!"

"No time for that," yelled Dalek Chri. "Now, WE MUST GO!"

Dalek Chri used his own laser to blast through the 60s Dalek Base. Sah-Mahn-Tee and Jeffers simply ripped apart the cheaply made gates.

"Now, WE MUST GO!"

"Oh, will you just stop it?" said Sah-Mahn-Tee. "We've heard enough of that 'WE MUST GO!' crap. Now, I just wanna go to the Ood's bar and—"

"You do know that the Ood have left the bar, right?"

"What? DAMN IT! Who's gonna own it now?"

"You do NOT want to know. But, it matters not! We must kill the Dalek Supreme!"

"WHO? ME?" said the Dalek Supreme.

"F—k."

"YES, IT IS I. I AM THE ALMIGHTY DALEK SUPREME! ALL DALEKS SHALL GATHER TO THE BASE!"

There was only silence.

"UH, ALL DALEKS SHALL GATHER TO THE BASE!"

There was still silence.

"LIEUTENANT, WHAT HAS HAPPENED?"

There was still more silence. However, a few sounds were heard. The lieutenant slowly came forward.

"ALMOST HALF OF OUR TROOPS ABANDONED US," said the lieutenant.

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE YOU KEPT ASKING FOR STRANGE THINGS. SERIOUSLY, THERE ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN THE WII."

"THOSE WORDS ARE BLASPHEMY!!"

"Yes," said Dalek Pipe. "The Wii triumphs over all."

"No," said Dalek Chri. "It is the Xbox 360 that surpasses all gaming systems!"

"Whatever happened to stuff like the good old NES?" asked Jeffers.

"Or a simple Game Boy?" added Sah-Mahn-Tee. "Really, I remember playing those old Pokemon games and feeling all—"

"MUST WE SPEAK OF GAMING SYSTEMS?" asked Dalek Terynat.

There was a long, awkward silence until Jeffers let out a loud, smelly fart.

"WELL THAT SOUNDED DISGUSTING. NOW, TIME FOR THE DALEK PITS OF DOOM!" yelled the Dalek Supreme. But once again, there was more silence. "LIEUTENANT! DID YOU SHUT DOWN THE DALEK PITS OF DOOM?"

"AFFIRMATIVE. WE FILLED IT UP WHEN YOUR WERE NOT AROUND."

"AWW! DAMN IT! F—KING DAMN IT! I WANTED A PIT TO THROW MY ENEMIES IN AND YOU FILLED IT UP! YOU BASTARDS! YOU FILTHY BASTARDS!"

"So," said Jeffers. "When… are we gonna kill him?"

"NEVER!"

And soon the Dalek Supreme hovered away.

"This honestly was not as hard as I thought it would be," said Dalek Chri.

The Dalek Supreme tried to get away from what might be his execution. However, there were very few places to go. He looked around for a way out. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide. However, he spotted something. It was a door. It wasn't bizarre or anything. It was just a door. The Dalek Supreme realized that he had not seen this door before. He decided to put his plunger toward the knob and twist it. And soon, the door opened. What the Dalek Supreme saw in that door was something he never saw before. It was strange and unfamiliar, but it was a way to escape. He went in.

He woke up in a building with a large computer and a bunch of supplies. He looked in awe at the objects… but then he heard someone. It was a girl. The Dalek Supreme saw her. She had black hair and crooked teeth. And she looked scared.

"OH GOD!" yelled Gwen. "IT'S ONE OF THEM!"

And so she aimed her gun at the poor beast and shot at it. And that was the end of him.

"What was the end of that door?" asked Dalek Chri.

"A TIME PORTAL," said the Lieutenant.

"So, it's finally over?"

"SOMEWHAT."

"Indeed. Pipe, Terynat, we shall go home."

* * *

But it was not the end. Elsewhere, a scarlet console room full of knobs and switches and handles appeared. Oh, and a girl wearing a flowery dress came out and started to use the console.

"Hehehehehehe," uttered the Nameless. "Oh good Goth! Finally, now it's my time to shine! For reals! Hehehehehehehe!"

After a few minutes, she got bored. So, she put on some music. She looked around for something. Then, she grabbed a nearby picture. It was an image of a bald man with many muscles. It was certainly not a pleasant sight. Only people like the Nameless could find someone like that… appealing.

"Soon, we can be together forever… Yay!"

The Nameless giggled for a while after that. And for now, it was the end.


	10. Chapter 10: Christmas of the Daleks

Pride of the Daleks

Yeah, here I am with a new chapter. It's been a long hiatus, but I'm back. So, here's this short piece for the holidays. Also, hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

* * *

Christmas of the Daleks

"How much time has passed since those Sixties Daleks made a foolish attempt to exterminate us?" asked Dalek Chri.

"I would assume that it was around five months," answered Dalek Pipe.

"Well th—Wait a minute, we have done absolutely nothing in the span of five months?" The lens of Dalek Chri's eyestalk began to dilate in shock. "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!?! THIS IS DISGRACEFUL! WE MUST ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING!!! ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING!!!"

An insect buzzed around and landed on Dalek Chri's eyestalk. "WE MUST EXTERMINATE THIS BUG!!!"

"Dalek Chri, you are being overanxious. We shall eventually accomplish something."

"Examples?"

"… Something will be accomplished. I just do not know of it."

"Your inability to create a thoughtful plan is the reason why we were exiled from Skaro."

"Negative. Your excessive mood swings and pretentiousness forced our superiors to exile us!"

"Pretentiousness? PRETENTIOUSNESS?!! You dare use pretentiousness as an explanation for our exile?! We roam through the galaxies in order to destroy inferior races and take over their lands! We are small, blobby squids with dreams of grandeur! We believe in a day where we shall become the masters of the universe! Therefore, being a Dalek IS pretentiousness!"

Dalek Pipe looked around the room for a second. He did his best to come up with a rebuttal, but all he could think up was "Uh, good for you?"

But then, Dalek Chri heard something outside. He hovered over to the balcony window and saw a red sleigh with eight reindeer on the ground. A large, plump man in a thick, red fur coat, with a thick beard that would make Alan Moore jealous, came out of his vehicle. He carried a hefty brown sack on his back. A red hat covered his head, with a snow-white cotton ball on the top. And his face had a cheery smile on his face.

The man with the sleigh then put down his bag to take a glass jar out. It had contained multicolored jelly babies. He opens the lid, shoves his fist into the jar, takes a glob of candies, puts them inside his mouth, and chews them with delight.

Dalek Chri opened the windows with his plunger arm and went out. He landed on the ground and hovered toward the jolly man. Then, the Dalek yelled, "ROBOT SANTA CLAUS!!!" He turned to his apartment. "DALEK PIPE! THE RACNOSS HAVE SENT A ROBOT CLAUS TO DESTROY US!"

"No," said the man with the sleigh. "No I'm not a robot. I'm the real Santa Cl—"

"My mistake. Then, are you Tom Baker in a Santa suit?"

"No, I'm San—"

"Are you a Slitheen?"

"No, I'm—"

"Are you an Abzorbaloff?"

"No! I'm Sa—"

"Are you the wet dream of Russell T. Davies? If it is, then good riddance that he left."

The man paused, with his face cringing, before saying, "No… I'm—"

"Are you David Morrissey?"

"Dear god, no. I'm—"

"Are you Colin Baker in a S—"

"NO!" yelled the man in a dissonant rage. "What, are you dense? Are you mental or something? Who the bloody hell do you think I am? I'M THE GODDAMN FATHER CHRISTMAS!"

Dalek Chri looked at the jolly man from top to bottom, checking if his words were true.

"Okay," said Santa as he lifted the sack up and carried it on his back. "Now. If you can excuse me, I'll be delivering the presents."

Santa tried to walk away until Dalek Chri blocked him. "To me?"

"No!" said Santa as he started to scowl. "Now move. Or I'll use, uh, my Santa powers on you."

"You lie!"

"No, I'm not," Santa tried to walk to the left until Dalek Chri blocked his path again. "And for the love of god, move!"

"Not until I acquire my gifts."

"Stop trying to overcome Santa."

"I desire gifts."

"You're not gonna get a single th—"

"GIFTS!!!"

"You asked for it," whispered Santa as he took a metallic screwdriver out of his pocket and aimed it at Dalek Chri. The light at the top of the screwdriver turned blue and it released a blast of sonic energy at the Dalek. Dalek Chri tried his best to resist the force.

"NOOOO!!!" yelled the Dalek. "MUST… EXTERMINATE… SANTA CLAUS!!!"

Dalek Chri aimed his laser at the jolly man, but he wasn't able to shoot. He realized that the massive sonic energy was disrupting his power. The lights on the Dalek's head burst apart as he screamed in agony. "STOP!!! STOP!!!"

"No can do. Naughty little kids, or in your case, egotistic man-sized pepper shakers, should know the dangers of good ol' me!"

Suddenly, a beam of green light was shot an inch near Santa's head. In shock, he turned off his screwdriver and looked up.

"The next shot shall not miss," said Dalek Pipe as he hovered down to the scene.

"Oh god," gasped Santa. "Not another one."

"Why do you trespass?" asked Dalek Pipe.

"Look, I'm just bringing everybody in New New New Brooklyn some presents for Christmas. Then that little bastard stopped me. He kept asking me if I was a baker and if I was the wet dream of some guy named Rusty. It was just awful."

"BUT THE FAT MAN DID NOT GIVE ME MY PRESENTS!!!" yelled Dalek Chri.

"Like you deserved them," said Dalek Pipe.

"Yeah," said Santa. "So, are you gonna block me like him or are you gonna be smart and let me do my job?"

"You can go and accomplish your season's greeting or whatever lords of holidays like you do."

"Uh yeah," said Santa. He opened his brown bag and took a gift-wrapped box out. "And here, this is for you."

Dalek Pipe moved over to the man and took the package. And then, Santa walked past Dalek Pipe and into the streets of New New New Brooklyn. His reindeer pulled the sleigh and followed him. "Well, see you next Christmas."

"Indeed," answered Dalek Pipe.

"I… I cannot move," uttered Dalek Chri. "Dalek Pipe… Repair me…"

"Negative," answered Dalek Pipe as he hovered back to his apartment with his new present.

And now, Dalek Chri was alone. He felt disappointed and ashamed of himself. Then, he saw a little snowflake fall and land into his lens.

_"I… hate… Christmas…"_


End file.
